Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
