I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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