I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
