Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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