Acid is not a monday night drug
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
