it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
