I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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