Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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