Where is the hickey?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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