if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
