guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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