I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
