I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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