Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We were destined to go to rehab together
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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