we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
