Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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