you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
