If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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