It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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