i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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