You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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