Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
