Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
