So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
