remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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