i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
