After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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