I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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