i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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