I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
