Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
