I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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