I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
