I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
