I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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