No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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