Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
