she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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