I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
