Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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