Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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