Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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