apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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