Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
