They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
