life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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