im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
