do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
