I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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