Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
